Note #1: This post is more about my Christianity than about teaching, though there is definitely (as a matter of course) always a link between God and the way I teach.
Note #2: An edited version of this post was recently published here: https://thir.st/blog/i-was-obsessed-with-being-self-sufficient/
Caught in the Net
(Someone once told me, pain and suffering is quite personal, and unique to everyone; so I write hoping that if He wills it, God will use my story to edify others.)
It’s a cool 22 degrees Celsius in Tokyo now, with a high of 26 degrees later today. Autumn is on its way, and, almost always, nostalgia and reflection come along for the ride. The first half of this year was one drama of a road trip, but one thing is clear to me now: God is, and always has been, in the driver’s seat.
I don’t know if I was born the independent type, but somewhere along the way I actively sought to develop the ability to take care of myself. I dreamt of living alone, looked to move out when I started a full-time job, and finally left Singapore - without understanding the language and culture - for the enigmatic, multi-faceted country of Japan.
The freedom to choose what I want to do had always been what I delighted in, and I did not want anyone - even, maybe, especially God - to direct my path. All this, despite having grown up in a Christian home, being a member of a biblically sound church and serving as a youth group leader. While I still relish the flexibility and possibilities of my life here, I am now aware that it can come at a dangerous price: self-sufficiency.
Charles Spurgeon once warned, “Do not become self-sufficient. Self-sufficiency is Satan’s net where he catches men, like poor silly fish, and destroys them.”
Poor silly fish that I am, I honed my self-sufficiency into an art. I established a fulfilling life in Japan, tackling all the legal, cultural and linguistic obstacles a foreigner faces here by myself (in my limited Japanese), refusing to ask for any help. I took careful measures to avoid developing complacency - one of the pitfalls of foreigners teaching English in Japan - and once, I (laughably) refused repeated offers of help from my friends to assemble a semi-double Ikea bed.
So. Much. Pride. So self-sufficient. And just like that, I joined the ranks of Adam's Eve and Austen’s Emma, set to confront my humanity.
Four things happened in dizzying succession immediately after the New Year celebrations: my dad’s health suffered and stopped him from working, I needed help in writing my dissertation but could not get it, relationship matters struck, and my body joined the party, giving me insomnia that resulted in 4 hours of fitful sleep a night. Trying to tire myself out in the day just piled on the stress. Worry, frustration, and sadness kept my brain awake for hours on end.
I was still going to church, still praying and still thinking I was committing my way to Him, though. It was like God was in the car (driving) but I was just expending all my energy pointlessly trying to wrestle the steering wheel away from him.
The day after I handed in my dissertation, my friends (who live in faraway prefectures) turned up on my doorstep excitedly thinking they could surprise me, then hang out together to help me get over the post-dissertation stress. I opened the door, saw them, and started crying, messily, uglily and without restraint. Stretched so thin mentally, emotionally and physically, I broke when faced with God's love in the form of my friends' surprise 'care package'. I was self-sufficient up to a point - and then I was not. When God wants your attention, He gets your attention.
Wondering and surprised, they let me sob and tell them everything that was wrong with me (and when I could not stop, they started to make coffee for themselves and check texts while patting my head. #friends). That day, I learnt the consolatory magic that happens when love meets vulnerability.
God broke me and I now know the pain of missing someone, the misery of helplessness, and stress, anxiety and worry beyond what I have ever known. Which is great (not being ironic here) because when God broke me He also put me back together again, a better, humbler person. Ready to serve Him. Ready and willing to listen and help others, but not so ready with a glib answer for those who were hurting. Because I understand suffering more now.
— Tim Keller Wisdom (@DailyKeller) October 30, 2018
And once I became more human in that way (lol), God placed healing in my path, making sure it was through others - no more of that self-sufficiency stuff. It started simply, and progressed into something so wondrous sometimes I can barely move, so enveloped am I in His mercy.
A church member I met for the first time, M, shared her testimony so I knew she was going through a similar situation. I asked if she could talk with me and we did. As our conversation drew to a close, she took out a book and offered it to me freely with, I think, an inkling that it would be perfect and suitable for me.
It is titled “Wherever You Go”, by Hannah Lau, and it spoke clarity and edification to my heart. Not only does it echo my innermost struggles regarding control, singleness and direction, it illuminates that way of thinking with references to God’s Word. It is hardly a theological exposition, but it has definitely opened my eyes to see more of God’s character and the way I should order my walk with Him.
After that Sunday, M moved to South Africa to work for the United Nations, and I never met her again.
Over the next few months, I read more Bible, listened to sermons, and found opportunities to serve in church and pray with others. I learnt that there is comfort in giving up control, peace, not fear, in being vulnerable and asking for help.
The following Bible verses in particular though, helped the most in aligning my will with God’s.
Ecclesiastes 6:9 (NKJV) Better is the sight of the eyes than the wandering of desire. This also is vanity and grasping for the wind.
I focused on enjoying the scenery of the roads God drove along and stopped thinking of where I wanted myself to go. I concentrated on doing my work well. Served in church. Savoured the time spent with friends. Gears switched and we cruised along, me, basking in the sunshine of God’s company, and He, probably happy I had stopped being a backseat driver. I tapped into a true Sabbath rest and spent time with God, because when you love someone you want to spend time with that person and also desire that that person wants to spend time with you. God shows us the way to move forward through us spending more time with Him.
1 Peter 3:10-11 (NKJV) For “He who would love life And see good days, Let him refrain his tongue from evil, And his lips from speaking deceit. Let him turn away from evil and do good; Let him seek peace and pursue it...."
I sought peace and pursued it. I actively prayed for peace, looked for it in the Bible, in others’ testimonies and in my daily experiences. I challenged myself to develop peace as things happen to me. Every negative or positive thing that happens is an opportunity to develop discipline and peace. And so even the agony of sleepless nights turned into opportunities for remembering others in prayer.
Psalm 37: 3 (NKJV) Trust in the Lord, and do good; Dwell in the land, and feed on His faithfulness.
The most recent part of my healing process has come in the form of both passive and active actions. While I trust in God and wait on His direction, I do the good I know how to. A friend who knows what I am interested in work-wise - education for disadvantaged communities - sent me an article about Jemima Ooi, a Singaporean missionary who shared her story through THIR.ST this year (http://thir.st/blog/full-time-30-academia-heart-africa/). Inspired by her testimony, I went to find out more about what she does.
The organisation she works for now, Justice Rising (https://www.justicerising.org) focuses on the role of education specifically for war-torn communities such as those in the Democratic Republic of The Congo. As a Christian educator, I liked the balance in their practical and missionarial solutions, and after emailing and talking to a Justice Rising staff member, I decided to raise funds for their teacher training programme in the Congo, which costs USD$20,000. (Didn’t expect that, did you? I surprised myself too.)
A smaller amount would have sufficed, you think, but again, none of that self-sufficiency stuff! I want to work with others to accomplish something good, the operative phrase being ‘with others’. So, USD$20,000. If I do succeed in raising this amount, it is all God’s doing, because this is definitely something I have neither the skills nor background for. And if I 'fail', this is still me stepping out in a direction that God is showing me is not in His plan for me.
Trust God. Do good.
I have been campaigning for this Congolese teacher training programme for the past three months, and I am shown new mercies and blessings at every turn. People want to help. A colleague I had previously thought of only as gruff and aloof offered the biggest cash donation the campaign has seen as yet. My sister used her craft skills to raise more money in a shorter time that I have been able to, all without me asking her to do so. Connections with colleagues, friends and family have taken on a richer dimension. I fear and worry (#stillhuman), and sometimes have sleepless nights, but they don't bother me much; I have tasted and seen that the Lord is good. I am content.
I wonder if Spurgeon envisioned self-sufficiency as a ‘net’ not only because it enables Satan to ensnare us, but also because it prevents us from reaching out to take hold of God’s promises and ‘feed on His faithfulness’. It stops us from seeking out ways to depend on God. I’m looking to never get caught in this net of self-sufficiency again, and through His grace, I might actually be able to steer clear of it.
The rest of this year and the next are looking to be Tokyo Drift-esque but I am buckled in and ready; wherever God is driving to, as long as He is in the driver’s seat, I'm definitely down for the ride.
Comments
Post a Comment